My significant other and I had an argument this morning and I’ve been sulking in one part of the house with him in another, and I’ve been perusing online retail for help with my feelings. I finally made a number of purchases on Amazon, for almost 100 pounds, even though we are in a non-buying agreement this month as things are going to be tight with the new house. I’m pretty sure that the spending is my way of reclaiming being “selfish” i.e. buying things that I want and need and that are impractical and unnecessary for him and without his permission. We don’t really ask for permission to buy things, but this seems a little breach of contract given the no-spend agreement.
As I am spending money on the personal trainer and not on new clothes, because I am desperate to fit into my old clothes, though still failing at that, I made myself compromise on my little spending spree by spending money on a new sports clothes: sports leggings, a sports bra, and some new trainers. My current sports clothes are very old so the 3 items that I bought, I bought new to replace in a one-in one-out kind of way.
But, I also know that I bought things out of anger. At least I managed to ignore the yellow dress and the organic cotton black jumpsuit (both so cute if you are looking for things for spring) and instead purchased something I know I will wear a few times a week to see the trainer. But I am still angry and the anger is the motivation for the shopping as well as the release. I would be lying to myself if I said that it wasn’t.
In the meantime, I also want to throw everything away. This conflict and tantrum that I am having is such an obvious way to see how my life is driven by compulsion: compulsion to shop to deal with shame, anger, and disconnection. Compulsion to purge to get rid of extra baggage, a sense of responsibility, to rekindle freedom. I find that being in relationship with people is so difficult. The older I get the less tolerant of others I get and this seems to be especially true for people that I love the most. I sometimes find that the people that know me the best are also the same people that are the most threatening to my sense of space and who can injure me in these ways that are disturbing and leave me feeling too vulnerable. How dare they know my personal failings so well and use them against me!
And yet, through all of this, the great retail-machine is there, churning along silently in the background, waiting for me to turn towards it for solace. I tried to restrain myself today but still needed her open and maternal arms. The ups and the downs life always interfering with one’s fiscal austerity.